This morning I watched a video of a fierce breastfeeding
mama who was at a church feeding her baby when they repeatedly asked her to
cover herself or leave for a different room.
They told her it was because she might make the men uncomfortable. I
felt her rejection, and then I read all the local comments that said boobs
belong covered, a blanket won’t hurt a baby, women should learn modesty, how
dare she whip her boob out in a church of all places. So many people ignoring
the singular function of breasts in favor of sexualizing them. Most women have
breasts. The sole purpose of those breasts is feeding, not for your
entertainment or pleasure. If a woman breastfeeding makes you uncomfortable or
leads you to stumble, it’s because you have been taught to treat her like an
object. It is not because she shouldn’t be feeding her child around you.
Less than 2 hours later my transgender child pulled a pair
of tight leggings out of a drawer to get ready for school. These particular
leggings don’t have any skirts that match and they are sporty so they aren’t
made to be worn with something over them. My initial reaction was to tell her
that she needed to find a longer shirt because she couldn’t wear a skirt with
them. Because the bulge that comes from wearing those tight, tight leggings is
our little secret and no one needs to know about it. She fought me a little and
when I insisted that she needed something to cover she said defeatedly, “I’m
just going to be Owen today” and proceeded to pick out “boy” clothes. I
regretted my reaction before she’d decided it was easier to fake being a boy
with a penis than it is to be herself, but that just slapped me and I saw the
hypocrisy of the situation.
I instantly apologized and then pulled her in to talk. I reminded her again that she can be whoever
she wants to be and she can wear whatever clothes she wants to wear regardless
of her name and gender. I told her I was sorry that I felt she needed to cover
herself up all the time and, mainly because I felt bad, we compromised on a
pair of sport pants that I usually don’t let her wear to school. She went to
school feeling confident as I sit here wondering what I’ve been telling her for
the last couple years.
Elly loves skirts, she just does and it’s never been an
issue to hand her a skirt when she puts on leggings because she does enjoy
them. Thinking back now, though, I know there have been at least a handful of
times when she hasn’t wanted to wear skirts. I remember specifically when she
had on her “leggings underwear” and I still felt the bump was too noticeable
and she said, “But I’m wearing my legging underwear, I don’t need a skirt.”
For the last two years I’ve been subtly shaming my daughter for
having a penis.
Let me be real for a second and say that there are a few
very good reasons to be as secretive as possible about my child’s identity.
Safety being the first and foremost reason to refrain from exposure. This
country is not safe for my kid and so keeping her identity a secret could save
her from a particularly dangerous situation. Second, it helps to remain stealth
and understood at school. She is young and few parents of the kids in her class
are likely to have productive and enlightening conversations about being transgender
with her peers so it’s possible she’ll lose some. These are important, to a
point.
The bigger question and my bigger concern is however, what
danger is her secrecy costing her? When I tell her how amazing she is, and how
special she is and how being transgender is amazing but teach her to conceal it
what message does that send? We don’t advocate exhibition; I don’t teach my
kids to expose themselves, but we keep private parts private. But if my younger
cis son had on something that shaped to his body I wouldn’t make him cover it
up, everyone knows CJ has a penis. Few know that Elly has a penis so it’s
become this secret so big that she is already thinking there’s something wrong
with it.
We don’t want to make men uncomfortable with women’s
breasts, but apparently it’s okay for me to teach my child that having a penis
and being a girl are somehow mutually exclusive. I’m an affirming mama bear, I
allow my child to be exactly who she is, so long as she conforms to society’s
ideas of gender and modesty. Given the first 4 years of her life with all of
the shaming that happened “Do you have a penis? Then you’re not a girl” everyday,
I can’t say that I am surprised that her response to my push back is to dress
up as Owen. No kid deserves to be penis shamed, or breast shamed. Whether it’s
the trans boy who desperately wishes he had one, or that he didn’t have the
latter; or the mom who just wants to feed her kid.
My child is of the male sex but has the gender of a girl. We
have called her she for two years and I’ve never regretted that for even a
moment. I regret the lengths I went to trying to convince her she was a boy
because of her penis. Almost two years ago to the day she told me she wanted to
get rid of it so she could be a girl. I take full and complete credit for
shaming my child, and I can’t take it back. What I can do is stop it. I can
stop forcing my child to hide a part of her body that she didn’t ask for. I can
stop referring to form fitting underwear as “legging underwear” and I can have
a conversation with her about how incredible she is and how sorry I am for ever
making her think she had to hide who she is.
A couple weeks ago a gay man on Survivor outed a transgender
man calling it the greatest deception. It was a heinous thing to do, and his
premise was incredibly incorrect. Being private about your identity isn’t
deception, being transgender isn’t deception. The deception comes when you try
to pretend you’re something you’re not. My kid is transgender. She was born
with male anatomy but she has never been a boy, even when I was sure she was. I’m
done teaching her that she must hide it.
